Today is the 17th annual System Administrator Appreciation Day. The last Friday in July is a reminder to thank your SysAdmin for keeping your operation running.
I like to extend SysAdmin Day to all IT Pros because it usually requires a team effort. From the help desk to DBAs to developers, communication, problem-solving, and constant learning of new technology is involved.
SysAdmin Day should be about the thanks, not the gifts. People are just doing their jobs. I think appreciation is enough and the fun part of being a SysAdmin is getting to work on interesting projects with new technologies to learn. For many, the current projects will involve Windows 10 Anniversary Update, Windows Server 2016 in the fall, and many other projects.
Have some more jokes (sorry, unsure of sources):
A programmer goes to the shop to buy some milk. His wife calls and says “While you’re out, get some eggs.”
and he never returns …——————–
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”——————–
Programmer’s girlfriend: “Are you going to sit and type in front of that thing all day or are you going out with me?”
Programmer: “Yes.”——————–
A young man was walking along in the forest, when he heard a muffled voice crying for help from behind a log.
He leaned over to see a frog sitting in the mud.The frog looked up at him and said, “I’m actually a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I’ll transform back into my true self, and be yours for eternity.”
Silently, the man scooped up the frog and continued on his walk.
A minute or two later, the frog piped up again, “Hey, buddy, maybe you didn’t hear me — I said, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a princess. What are you waiting for?”
Annoyed, the man stuffed the frog into his coat pocket.
Shocked, the frog yelled from inside the man’s pocket, “What the hell? I’m a princess! All you have to do is kiss me!”
Opening his pocket and peering in, the man said, “Listen — I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog is kind of cool.”
——————–
Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. It’s a hardware problem.——————–
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.(meta-joke: Eventually the bottle would be empty and an exception would be raised.)
——————–
A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.
They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else,
just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car.The computer engineer said, “I think I can fix it.”
The systems analyst said, “No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it.”
The programmer said, “I think we should push it back up the hill and see if it does it again.”
——————–
My wife said:
“Honey, please go to the market and buy 1 bottle of milk. If they have eggs, bring 6.”I came back with 6 bottles of milk.
She said, “Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?”
I said, “Because they had eggs!!”
——————–
What did the suicidal function say? “GOODBYE WORLD”
How do functions break up? “They stop calling each other!”
When is a function a bad investment? “When there’s no return”
What happened to the function that ran away? “It never returned”
When do two functions fight? “When they have arguments”
In what unit do you measure a function’s length? “In Para meters…”
What did the flirtatious function say? “Call me ;)”
What happened to all the illegal exceptions? “They were all caught!”
What do threads do after they make love? “They go to sleep”
Why do we rarely see a program with crooked teeth? “Because most of them have braces”
——————–
There are 2 hard problems in computer science: caching, naming, and off-by-1 errors.
——————–
Q. What’s the difference between an enterprise software salesperson and a used car dealer?
A. The used car dealer knows when he’s lying.——————–
Javascript : Java :: Carpet : Car
——————–
Four engineers are driving to a conference when their car breaks down.
A civil engineer in the front seat suggests that the slope of the road will allow them to pick up speed quickly if they push the car, at which point they can pop the clutch.
The other three engineers laugh.
A chemical engineer theorizes that there was something bad in the gasoline that caused the engine to fail, so a simple trip to a gas station would fix the problem.
The other two engineers laugh.
A mechanical engineer offers to look under the hood and identify the part of the engine that is broken, allowing them to go to an auto parts store and fix the problem.
The remaining engineer laughs.
The software engineer says “You folks are making this too complicated, just turn it off and turn it on again.——————–
I wrote this function. Its name is meMaybe()
so that you can call meMaybe()——————–
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.
A lady walking by notices him and says “Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually, “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”——————–
Rule of Software Programming: Any sufficiently advanced bug is an alpha feature.
——————–
Man: “Make me a sandwich”
Woman: “No”
Man: “sudo Make me a sandwich”
Woman: “Okay”——————–
Man: “Make me a sandwich”
Woman: “No”
Man: “sudo Make me a sandwich”
Woman: “You are not in sudoers list. The incident will be reported.”——————–
Why don’t people tell jokes in base 8?
Because 7 10 11.——————–
C++ is a dirty language – we have access to our friends’ private members.
——————–
There are only 10 types of people in this world:
those who know binary, those who don’t, and those who weren’t expecting a base 3 joke.——————–
There are only 10 types of people in this world:
those who know binary, those who don’t, and those who mistake trinary for binary.——————–
There are only 10 types of people in this world:
1. Those with no understanding of hexidecimals
2. Those with almost no understanding of hexidecimals
3. Those with a very basic understanding of hexidecimals
4. Those with a mediocre understanding of hexidecimals
5. Those with below average understanding of hexidecimals
6. Those with an average understanding of hexidecimals
7. Those with above average understanding of hexidecimals
8. Those with a decent understanding of hexidecimals
9. Those with a pretty good understanding of hexidecimals
A. Those with a great understanding of hexidecimals
B. Those with an excellent understanding of hexidecimals
C. Those with a fantastic understanding of hexidecimals
D. Those with a stupendous understanding of hexidecimals
E. Those with a masterful understanding of hexidecimals
F. Those with an unreal understanding of hexidecimals
10 . Those with a godlike understanding of hexidecimals——————–
Q. What did the programmar say when his friend didn’t know how to use a for statement?
A. “You’re out of the loop!”——————–
I have a joke about UDP.
But you might not get it.——————–
Your mother is so fat,
the recursive function computing her mass causes a stack overflow.——————–
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
——————–
I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn’t the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it – that as a programmer it wasn’t the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.
——————–
Why programmers like UNIX:
who && gawk && uname && talk && date && wine && touch && unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes; yes; more; yes; umount && make clean && sleep——————–
Command-line Russian Roulette
[ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf / || echo *Click*——————–
A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:
“You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?”
Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, “Why would you stay on?”
The tenth said, “if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash.”
——————–
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
Shepherd: “Okay.”
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,
Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers,
Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,
Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man answers;
Man: “Yes, why not?”
Shepherd: “You are an IT consultant.”
Man: “How did you know?”
Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?”
——————–
Unix is user friendly. It’s just very particular about who its friends are.
——————–
Hunting elephants:
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
-Go to Africa.
-Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
-Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
-During each traverse pass,
–Catch each animal seen.
–Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
–Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
-compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
-enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
——————–
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
——————–
Drug dealers:
-Refer to their clients as “users”.
-“The first one’s free!”
-Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
-Strange jargon: “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime bag,” “E”.
-Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
-Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
-Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
-Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
-Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.Software developers:
-Refer to their clients as “users”.
-“Download a free trial version…”
-Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
-Strange jargon: “SCSI”, “ISDN”, “Java”, “RTFM”
-Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
-Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
-Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
-Their product causes unhealthy addictions – DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
-Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!——————–
10 HOME
20 SWEET
30 GOTO 10——————–
If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.
——————–
“Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.”
-Scott Adams——————–
The C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.
——————–
A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As she lay there in bed
Looping ’round in her head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++——————–
Three men are talking: A programmer, a doctor, and a lawyer. The lawyer says, “Man, the only way is to have a mistress. With all these divorce suits, it’s terrible. The only way is to have a mistress.” The doctor says, “Are you kidding? With all the STDs out there, you want a wife and that’s it.” The programmer says, “You need both a wife and a mistress. Because when you’re not with the mistress, she’ll assume you’re with your wife, and when you’re not with your wife, she’ll assume you’re with your mistress, and THAT leaves you more time to be in the lab programming!”
——————–
Keyboard not found … press F1 to continue
——————–
Don’t anthropomorphize computers. They hate that!
——————–
How long does it take to copy a file in Vista?
Yeah, I don’t know either, I’m still waiting to find out.——————–
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”——————–
If the box says, “This software requires Windows XP or better,” does that mean it’ll run on linux?
——————–
Q. What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?
A. The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters——————–
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”——————–
If Java is the answer, it must have been a really verbose question.
——————–
An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the hooker.
“Ah,” said the architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”
“What are you getting at, God?” The hooker asked.
“And was He not the divine architect of the universe?” The architect asked, looking smug.
The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. “And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”
“Darkness and chaos,” the hooker said.
“And who do you think created chaos?” the programmer said.
——————–
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile again,
100 little bugs in the code.100 little bugs in the code, …
——————–
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, “and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’?”
“Sure.”
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
“Hi, Ray,” he said.
I replied, “Get lost Gates, I’m in a meeting.”
——————–
Q. Why did the programmer quit his job?
A. Because he didn’t get arrays.——————–
Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
——————–
I’d like to make the world a better place, but they won’t give me the source code.
——————–
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.
A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.
——————–
I don’t see women as objects. I consider each to be in a class of her own.
——————–
An optimist will say that the glass is half-full.
A pessimist will say that the glass is half-empty.
A programmer will say that the glass is twice as large as necessary.——————–
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”——————–
Q. How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
A. Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it——————–
A son asked his father(a programmer) why the sun rises in the east, and sets in the west. His response?
It works, don’t touch!——————–
Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you would have to do is call the light-bulb-change method.
——————–
Programmers are machines that turn coffee into code.
——————–